Post by nejahlovediva on Apr 15, 2009 23:05:26 GMT -8
And thanxs Carla for the hug on face book. Last night I expressed some pretty unpleasant feelings. My chest iz sunken and my stomach iz stuffed (I've been overeating quite a bit). I thought I would feel better after releasing it, but a cloud of depression iz over me. I got it don't run away from my feelings run to them. BUT its so scarey because theirs a monster inside of me so full of doubt, insecurities, resentment, jealously and extreme anger. It comes in so many forms and can be triggered in a red hot minute. The truth iz I scare myself with these intense feelings most of the time. Its like I'm being battered around by 20 feet waves, pummeling me back and forth with no relief in sight. Your so right Nut my relationships with women tend to be about or influenced by my relationship with my mother. Being in this all woman form push many buttons for me both good and bad. I really hold other women to a higher standard, somehow I expect more from them and am subconsciously more critical and judgmental than I am of men. I'm a woman so obviously this has to do alot about how I view myself az well. I know their's a healing taken place right now, it just doesn't feel good right now. This iz not a big surprise, yet I really want closure with this Mama drama because its weighing me down. But while, until, when, if, right now, Can I get a hug? Asante sana sista's.
Accept this great big HUG from me. No, stay put. Breathe. This one is a long melting hug. Yes. I feel it. Hugs go both ways.
Did I tell you how important it was that you were willing and able to open your home to me on my L.A. Layovers on the way to Mexico. My whole Mexico adventure could not have happened if you hadn't been there, holding the hub.
You opened your home, shared your favorite places, your garden produce, your Abraham, your Agape, and your computer, and collaging, which I still have!
I met your husband who was a perfect gentleman and treated me like an honored guest. I did want to connect with him for his own self, cause otherwise, I would have ignored him, and that didn't seem fair. And it's easy, all you have to do to make friends with a saxaphone player is say, "Coltrane." That did it.
And I was well aware that something was not feeling right with you that last evening, if not sooner. I just didn't know what to do with it. What I said on FB about asking questions, that's what I meant. Today, after my healing last week, I hope I'd be able to say, Are you all right? What are you feeling? Do you need a hug? or something that would open the doors. But my skillz didn't match my sensitivity. I was still running on fear of truth, or fear of powerful emotion blowing me away, one way or another.
and we are alike in that way. Just like your relationship with your mother is running you in ways you don't like right now, I learned my fears and silence from my mother too. We are all sisters from one womb.
I am so glad Mapping Your Divine life brought this into focus so you could speak to me in the circle, and speak about your feelings. The offer to talk is always open. I know this is more than personal with me, but it is also personal with me. And the same way I had that healing rich conversation with the King brother last week, we can have a conversation or many like that too. I have much to grow and learn in love, and you are my teacher, Sister Diva Nejah!
Here's another long slow breathing melting hug. I love you.
Massive blasts of energy are arriving now, pushing us ever closer to our very new beginnings. If you are one who is highly sensitive, you may be experiencing heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, anxiety, fear, and an over-all shakiness inside.
When these bursts of energy arrive, and we rarely have them anymore, they serve to shake things up, move a lot of energy, and push much to the surface. Auto accidents, personal accidents, feelings of being rattled, and great insecurities are other common symptoms that derive from great energy movement. And almost always when we make great change within, allergy symptoms and sinus headaches can appear for many as we are now vibrating vastly different from our outside circumstances, and this causes the resistance that at times can create allergies and sinus headaches.
As we near these very new beginnings, and near we are as we poise ourselves with one foot in the air, hovering over the landing of our very first step on a very new shore, we must be ready in every way. Anything within us that is not in alignment with new and higher ways of living and being, is now in the process of getting into alignment as we must meet the necessary requirements for our very new residency.
�Insecurities� are the earmark of this latest energy surge. When we are dangling in mid-air, before we reach that shore, we may feel insecure as well, as there is nothing yet to hold onto, to anchor into, or to land upon. But add to this a big energy surge, and the insecurities can feel tenfold.
Feeling suddenly insecure and afraid, again, as we are still poised in mid-air as well as having much pushing of old energies flying around within and without, can bring about strange and unsettling feelings indeed. We may suddenly change our plans abruptly, and now choose to grasp for an immediate fix in regard to something that will bring us some kind of security or shore. Or, we may make a new decision that involves giving us more of a long-term fix, or we may even hook up with anyone or everyone in order to find some kind of support and community for the time being. But that is not what is really going on here, because when we do indeed connect again, after leaving and disconnecting from so much of the old, we will be enmeshed with very new and much more permanent and long-lasting connections than ever before. And they will feel glorious indeed.
When the energies begin moving like this, so much is moved out, that darkness can be flying around everywhere as well, and this does not help much when we may want to calm down. I just arrived at my daughter�s house for a visit of several days, and tonight we are moving the children�s beds into another bedroom, as Simeon says it is just too freaky sleeping by the window next to the street, as the window is �creeping� him out!
When darkness is moving around, it can make those of us who are sensitive feel jumpy, jittery, scared, and unnerved as well. And intense feelings of vulnerability are always present, even more so when so much density has departed in these new and higher vibrating realities we now find ourselves operating within.
These newly arriving energies are encouraging us to come together as well. Teamwork and unity are stars on the very near horizon. Thus, we are now being encouraged through this latest shift to examine within ourselves what needs adjusting in regard to unity and teamwork. Are you one who usually does it all, takes care of everything, and is very weary of doing so? Do others rarely help? Or are you one who likes to sit back and allow others to pull the load, perhaps not seeing that you need to participate more? Are you tired of being alone?
Has this latest energy shift rattled enough cages so that many are now willing to come together and share the burdens? Have you found your team, the souls you have chosen to allow into your sacred space, or perhaps feel oh so strongly that new arrivals are on the very near horizon?
This new shift in energy is doing all of that and more. It is preparing us for all we have ever wanted, for new and divine connections, and for happiness beyond our dreams. If we have been standing back in any way, we will now be encouraged to come together, as this is the beginning of our very new beginnings.
There is so much joy and change on the very near horizon�Ooooooh wheee! It is a sight to see!
During most of the month of March, things had finally settled down enough for me, that I was able to write the new mini-ebook (only two or three more pages to go!), and to also process, process, and process. I had so many aha�s that month, preparing me for letting go of holding all that energy for the planet for so long, that it was one amazing moment after another. And this is true for all of us.
If you are one who did not have the time or opportunity to do this yet, then this newly arriving energy that just came in with such a bog wallop, will do that for you, all by itself. It has moved so much energy, that even if you are indeed ready for your very new beginning, it might make you feel like you are having some kind of breakdown anyway! We are really preparing now in regard to aligning ourselves for what is ahead. Before we can move forward, then, anything that may be holding us back will need to be addressed. And this is, as always, simply a part of the process.
With a baby blowing raspberries in my ear and tugging at my cheek, it is time to go for now�.until next time� Wheeeee! Are you ready?
a you that you always wanted to be. a you that you were or perhaps still are afraid to become. a you that is in touch with your TRUTH that is always, at every moment connected to the source of truth. a you that embodies the light and is like the sun becomes the source of it (we are all light beings and we become that to the degree to which we recognize and embrace it). a you that is not afraid, not self-judging. a you who lives in the state of abundance where all your needs met. a you that is powerful and yet stays humble because you realize that the only true power comes from a higher source and you are just a vessel for it (all other power is illusonary--it quickly reveals itself in power games and it comes from hidden insecurities due to lack of self-love). the moment you truly learn to love yourself, you can liberate yourself and can become capable of giving and receiving true love...and you will allow others around you to do the same (envy and the hater mentality comes from self-doubt and from our own fear of success). a you whose power is generosity. a you who is the best possible manifestation of you in this life. a you that is the TRUE DIAMOND. that is what your life is for. to believe and manifest the best YOU.
the secret is that if you can imagine it and believe in it, you can become it. imagine a you that is a winner of your life story instead of a victim. as long as you see yourself as a victim you will keep on hurting others because you feel justified (hence the never ending cycle of human violence and heartbreak). if you populate your mental body with negative self-images, you become those images and will attract scenarios, people and energies that will reinforce them. so imagine YOU.
i painted this face with the mental beamer because i was looking for ways to remind myself of these thoughts that i have gathered through the years of self-searching and yet haven't been able to hold onto them enough to keep me on the bright side these last few months. it is part of a series i call spirit-transformers. i wrote them down to help myself reconnect with these ideas and to share my journey to self-discovery...i guess art (i mean all arts, music, writing etc..) is a form of self-discovery, and when you allow yourself to share your self, including the highs and the lows, you give a gift to the world. this is the hardest thought to embrace as an artist, because you might ask yourself, "who cares what i'm going through" (here is where the self-doubt comes from and why many artists are thought to be narcissistic or actually why they might become narcissitic when they overcompensate for the self-doubt)...but then when i think of how much listening to songs like my friend Sarah White's C-Train makes me feel better as I am riding the damn thing every day, i have to remind myself of how much healing, relief and fun music brings to me every day and i have to realize that it is partially the reason why we have to share our art. when i connect to another person's creation, i allow that piece to be my self-expression as well and let that song, poem, film or painting to help me to relive that experience, let out agression and built-up frustration, heal through it or make me feel sexy or divine. they remind me that i am not alone...that we are not alone..that we are all connected through our life-experiences. life gets rough sometimes and we get lost in the labyrinth within, but we always have the power of choice to change our mental state and use our imagination to visualize our true self which is the key to become it. so i made this image and wrote these thoughts down to help me imagine me so i can become my truth. a way to go and a lot to work on but i am moving ahead and that makes me feel good. sometimes the best things are born out of the most desperate moments when you finally realize that certain trials are there to make you stronger and to reconnect you to whom you truly are...many of us feel the pressure, the hardship, the fear of the unknown as the economy is getting tougher, and it can manifest itself as self-doubt. i feel this is the time to awaken our inner lion..i think that the cosmic spiritual transformation that is taking place is really about this process of finding the divinity within. i hold this face in my imagination every day and turn on the mental beamer and tell myself these lines to imagine a better me.