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Post by nia on Dec 3, 2009 16:48:41 GMT -8
divas
i just gotta tell ya...
lover leaves next wednesday. and all my insecurities are rising up boiling inside me..
the
"what ifs" are coming up
the
"no please don't go" are coming up
the
"god i'll miss you...your smell...our snuggles...the way your face crinkles when you laugh...and all the things sexy about you that you don't know about yourself..."
it's all in me. too afraid to say out loud. i don't want to bring him down as he is so excited about his trip yet cautious to tell me so b/c he knows i'm not there...
i'm angry and a bit jealous ya'll. supportive yes. excited for him yes. but these other emotions are definitely there.
it's always right before they go (friends, the ones i love most) that i want to push him away like a little girl
"fine! leave then i don't "care" when all i want to do is get arrested at the airport for outrunning security and staff through the terminal to his departure gate where i would stand boldy in front of his plane refusing to move.
this is what i want to do.
but instead i'll say 'see ya later' early in the a.m. before he rides to the airport with his folks. and then i'll get dressed and go to work.
and i just have to accept these emotions as valid. even though he's going to build a school in africa, and i sometimes wonder if i'm being a spoiled selfish brat but, i'm none of those things. i wish i could be there with him too. my biggest 'what if' fear is that he will find new flirtation while on this adventure and take it too far. this is my truest deepest fear. i can't believe i wrote it. but its true.
divas - how do you all work through your own fears?
the only thing that scares me more than anything is losing love. its the only thing i've ever wanted more than anything. and to find it and let it go is .....
difficult.
two beautiful songs that pulls me into these emotions. how i'm feeling...
love to the circle!
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Post by divacarla on Dec 3, 2009 17:53:27 GMT -8
Nia, a tough spot, all those shadowy emotions on top of just plain missing your lover.
Are you able to find the place within you that can say: I am proud of you, I think your work in Africa is wonderful, I am so happy you are able to do this work....
and I am going to miss the hell out of you! I love you (x 1000) and let him go.
Freedom is a vital nutrient to love.
Keep your fears and shadows in the circle, that what we are here for!
Love you, Nia, and you have a big story of your own brewing from what you say!
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Post by Diva Mentor Deb on Dec 3, 2009 18:23:30 GMT -8
Those emotions ARE valid. Just because they exist. They don't have to own or run you, but they exist. I agree, dump the fear and shadows here where we can immerse them in love and heal them  |
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Post by nejahlovediva on Dec 3, 2009 18:40:25 GMT -8
Hi Diva Nia How to Love like the wind, flow like a river, grow az a blade of grass, be rooted in the unknown while celebrating the openings and closings along the way iz what I want to know about thiz love thing.  Have u ever thought of pouring your feelings into a painting or some other art form like your divine poetry? Okay I know that's kind of a silly ? becuz I know your art iz U expressing, its not you & something else, its u expressiong your U-ness  I know for me when I want something or don't want something really bad once I find the outlet for the energy I'm cool at least until things boil over again. Okay think of it like thiz everything he iz to U, U are already it to yourself becuz the only way u would know he haz something u want iz knowing that u already have it.  Okay let's try thiz, he Loves U/you Love him, he Loves hiz work/you love painting and creating & he Loves hiz freedom to Be, Do & Have anything hiz heart desires & so do U. Its a match made in Heaven  By the way congratulations on stepping out on faith i'm excited for U ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Their iz so many opportunities that are going to reveal itself to U. Actually for me the scariest thing waz not leaving my job, it waz staying. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up One thing that haz become clear tho, whatever I'm BE-ing & doing iz my path. A part of me says, maybe I should hone in on something and stick to it. Well, I'm following the collage trail right now and seeing where it leads me, taking clazzes at Agape, writing (mostly on blogs  ) playing tennis etc. What the rush anyway, am I going to run out of more life, more time? hey I'm eternal  I'm here to have fun exploring the inner & outter relms of my Beingness and actually I think that's enough until its not, then i'll throw caution to the wind and begin again & again. Your life before u iz like an unwritten book, just think & feel yourself into the vibration of what headings of certain chapters will be, what new characters do u want in your book?, what places do u want to travel too?, what new artwork do u want to create and for whom? And how much money do u want to see in your bank account?, and what kind of house do u want to design and live in? Oh! isn't it exciting to have a blank slate to color in. Thiz time u consciously get to chose instead of settling for hand me down experiences from other peoples illusions. I'm so happy for u. Peace & Infinite Blessings |
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Post by nia on Dec 7, 2009 14:57:24 GMT -8
shukran divas
feeling much betta. we had a little going away party for him with his friends this past weekend and i can't tell you how many of the ladies in the house came up to me and were like
'are you ok? how are doing? just keep yourself busy while he's gone and hey, lets get together for coffee or go hang out sometime!' etc etc
it was a little overwhelming that all the women were so concerned ( i mean it is only a few months) but it was also really unexpected and sweet.
and it made me think of you!
reflection!
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Post by Diva Mentor Deb on Dec 7, 2009 17:58:32 GMT -8
Awwwwww, that is so awesome you've got another circle in your midst! A few months. That's perfect timing. I've adopted an idea to take a break, whether forced or coincidental, at some point in the first few months of my next relationship, so I make sure I've got some perspective time to gauge whether I'm in this because I want to be or whether I'm in this because it's habit. What an adventure you've called to yourself! |
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Post by divacarla on Dec 7, 2009 18:38:40 GMT -8
Remember Nia, He's gonna be missing you too. And you are going to growing and glowing. He's got internet where he is, Yes? Skype is awesome
Happy you have your local sisters. You are good medicine for them, and they for you.
DC
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Post by nejahlovediva on Dec 7, 2009 20:51:19 GMT -8
Just sharing some things that inspire me to go more deeply into thiz thing called relationships.
Rev. Jill Rogers says,
Old paradigm: 2 people meet,come together, get married, he's responsibile for her happiness, she's responsibile for his. We merge into each other paths.
New paradigm: I am a woman, I am whole and complete. I come in that way. I'm responsible for my happiness. I am full, and lacking in nothing. Love is available to me thru infinite channels. I can let go of the struggle of relationships and just STAND. Claim who I am. Love is an honor, a sacred privilege. Love is a decision. He is whole and complete and lacking in nothing. (What is true for me is true for him). Our values may want to be similar but we each have our own path. Walk alongside me, believe in me, love me. I have 2 jobs. 1. Be full=know how to take care of me 2. See him as a great man..see everyone as extraordinary human beings..and know that YOU are a joy to love.
Here a video I just got in my email box from David Deida
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Post by nia on Dec 8, 2009 11:31:30 GMT -8
thanks divas!! this is so comforting right now. wow you all are so amazing. you know, we won't have much contact. that's the other hard part about it. he's going to be out in dogon country. really ruffing it. no toilets. the nearest computer about an hour away. he thinks maybe once a week or two, he'll make it there to email. but i imagine as the project takes hold, he'll be quite busy. am hoping we find a way to communicate via phone as he is opting to take his cell this time. he added some long distance features so he can call here. i agree, this is a time of reflection too. i guess that's the scary part. how can you not re-evaluate your relationships when we're away? it is a good thing though. time a part is healing (tho the other 1/2 of me shutters at the very thought). you all make me feel it will be ok. and divanejah tha quotes you posted are awesome. shukran |
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Post by DivaCarolyn on Dec 9, 2009 18:13:28 GMT -8
Diva Nia, Time apart can definitely be healing...and such an amazing opportunity to focus on what brings YOU joy in the moment. You have manifested support online & offline, I LOVE that!  Thanks for pouring this into Circle... "Anytime that you are feeling that there are loose ends to something, Reaffirm to yourself what you do know... *in other words, there are a lot of things that you don't know about the details of things - but reaffirm to yourself what you do know.. I do know life is good. I do know I am an extension of non-physical energy. I do know my Source is pure positive energy. I do know that I'm here as a creator. I do know that when I focus my attention energy flows through me. I do know that All Is Well. Abraham-Hicks G series 1-23-1994 And as you recount all that you do know, you will come back instantly to your place of stability." |
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Post by nia on Dec 12, 2009 12:50:12 GMT -8
divacarolyn, thank you so much for this. its amazing how this circle feeds and nourishes. as expected i've been a basket case these first few days without him. the first day i was surprizingly ok. i felt energized and motivated. then as evening set in, i sunk into  and from there have been a mixture of madness and prayers and serious life changing contemplation. with the decision to leave my job, i am now also considering moving out of my apartment and couch surfing for a few months until i feel where my next moves are to take me. what i've realized in these very few days that he's been gone is this: he makes me happy. i love him. i'm in love with him and i adore him. he is also at this time in my life the only thing in my life that i am nurturing that brings me joy. well i do take some amazing dance classes often but these past few weeks even those have fallen to the side b/c we were spending so much time together before he left. what i'm trying to say is, i think these tears that i've been crying are not only or solely b/c he is gone and i miss him. i think these tears i am crying are b/c i am unhappy. i'm unhappy in all other aspects of my life from geography to the work i do, to the little time and energy i have after a long work week to nurture my own art and creativeness. i in fact loath my own work and am so longing for a complete remix, a complete change of pace and scenary and energy. in the past two years that i've been sitting at a desk, my hair has thinned out, i've gained more wrinkles under my eyes than i ever imagined, i find myself headachy and tired. and on top of that have been consciously waking up to do something i don't believe in every day for the past two years. it is taking its toll. and he. he came to me in summer when i was feeling fresh and vibrant. he was light. and is doing work i believe in and i have supported his work extensively these past months. and now he is gone on this amazing adventure and i am here gathering myself back up again only to see that outside of this relationship i am in, i am unhappy in my life. and as i said to my mom a few weeks ago, i'm tired of being dragged by my feet. i want to stand on my own two feet heavily planted in the ground. the only thing is i just don't know how to break the chains but to literally break them - which is why i'm quitting my job with no plan as to what to do next. (though i am applying). anyway divacarolyn thank you for your words you have no idea. and a big HUG to the circle and prayers to all of us who are trying to figure out how to make a life for themselves. not just make a living. oh and one more thing- i refuse to be that girl that plays that backdrop of her partner's life. and in his absence i feel this needs to change. it is not him, it's me. "Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it." Steve Jobs peace and love and lots of prayers! p.s. anyone hiring? ;-) |
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Post by nia on Dec 12, 2009 13:08:06 GMT -8
p.s. in looking back in my emails i came across some healing words of diva wisdom from divanejah.
i thought i'd share...
for those of us still struggling to BE
"if you want to see your vision made manifest SEE IT, TASTE IT, TALK ABOUT IT, DANCE IT, EAT IT, TOUCH IT, MAKE LOVE TO IT in EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE! Treat your vision like you would your beloved Soul Mate, support, encourage and tend to your vision in both big and small ways just don't ignore it because it needs your attention more than the things in your life that aren't working." divanejah~
this is going up on my wall TODAY!
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Post by nejahlovediva on Dec 12, 2009 13:31:42 GMT -8
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Post by divaliaya on Dec 12, 2009 22:27:11 GMT -8
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Post by divaliaya on Dec 12, 2009 22:29:40 GMT -8
Diva Nia,
There's always psychic communication. Y'all can always meet in the dreamtime and share, make love, laugh etc. Intention is everything...
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Have u ever thought of pouring your feelings into a painting or some other art form like your divine poetry? Okay I know that's kind of a silly ? becuz I know your art iz U expressing, its not you & something else, its u expressiong your U-ness 
I know for me when I want something or don't want something really bad once I find the outlet for the energy I'm cool at least until things boil over again. Okay think of it like thiz everything he iz to U, U are already it to yourself becuz the only way u would know he haz something u want iz knowing that u already have it. 
Okay let's try thiz, he Loves U/you Love him, he Loves hiz work/you love painting and creating & he Loves hiz freedom to Be, Do & Have anything hiz heart desires & so do U. Its a match made in Heaven 
) playing tennis etc. What the rush anyway, am I going to run out of more life, more time? hey I'm eternal 
I'm here to have fun exploring the inner & outter relms of my Beingness and actually I think that's enough until its not, then i'll throw caution to the wind and begin again & again. Your life before u iz like an unwritten book, just think & feel yourself into the vibration of what headings of certain chapters will be, what new characters do u want in your book?, what places do u want to travel too?, what new artwork do u want to create and for whom? And how much money do u want to see in your bank account?, and what kind of house do u want to design and live in? Oh! isn't it exciting to have a blank slate to color in. Thiz time u consciously get to chose instead of settling for hand me down experiences from other peoples illusions. I'm so happy for u. 
