Post by Nut Tmu-Ankh ☥ on Jan 1, 2010 8:24:40 GMT -8
No avoidance of F or any other words necessary Diva.
Resistance only perpetuates our pain.
So spit fire, stomp up brimstone & throw all the f-bombs you've been holding back...then when you begin to feel sated, start telling us exactly how you Desire to be adored and flirted with, so we can help you begin to weave that healing for yourself.
A wombn in harmony with her spirit iz like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.
what I miss: seeing him approaching me with a spring in his step seeing him cook me dinner, or breakfast, or cooking at all hearing him tell of his thoughts, his childhood going for a walk with him dancing a very light touch of his hand, fingertips light on my skin taking a swim in the river working side by side in the garden reading his writing, editing for him singing with him serving dinner guests stacking fire wood all the homely activities, with our son resting my head in the circle of his arm and chest getting groceries shopping the book store
it's the fullness of life that gets the juices flowing it's the whole picture it starts out there ... or in my head or in my heart without loving the whole picture, nothing happens between the sheets or between my lips or between my legs
other thoughts: yes I see I need more gratitudes yes I see my words of complaint create more of the situation about which I complain yes I see my healing is my work and my pleading with him is more suffering
I feel trapped in his predictions, trapped in his words, trapped in his plans
no desires come to mind, but the details of our family life when I hear his voice, or see him, or both ... I am his
Post by nejahlovediva on Jan 4, 2010 11:54:40 GMT -8
I hear you going deep into your suffering, into the wilderness of your soul. Their iz no light, just a dark cave of stone, crackling bats & a gushing stream of water flowing in the darkness with no way out. But out peaks a light, the flow of the stream cannot be contained it finds an opening in which to pour yes libations through a fisure crack in the wall. Go deep until u find the light, theirs healing in the pouring out of what waz, what waz not and what iz pushing to come out. Its okay to be where u are cuz that's where you are. Anger iz better than feeling disempowered and when you get tired of being angry their more relief down the road. And when the time iz right maybe you'll look inside and see that u & your beloved lover called Infinite Love and can never be seperated, no absence of form can cut you off from your divine Self. Your soul iz leading your to unchartered terriority that haz never been walked, their iz no path except the one that u make.
You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living? What are you doing? Where is your water? Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time.
There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold onto the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the River.
Keep our eyes open and our head above the water.
See who is there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves.
Banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
— The Elders of the Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona
HYGEIA Can you talk about the masculine way of giving and receiving love?
DEIDA Sure, as a man grows spiritually both his intimate relationship and his career become less and less for personal gain or pleasure and more an expression of love. The masculine penetrates both his woman sexually as well as the world through his work both as expressions of his love.
HYGEIA Interesting. You’re saying that entering your woman and entering fully into the world can be viewed as forms of intercourse, one sexual and the other worldly.
DEIDA Yes. Doubt and uncertainty cause men to “go limp” or they hold back out of fear. In order to penetrate the chaos and closure of the world and his woman with his love a man must develop sensitivity, spontaneity and a deep connection to truth.
HYGEIA You can’t fool Her. She wants to know that your love is real.
DEIDA Right. They know when you are just dicking around. If you sheepishly penetrate them to gratify your own needs, your woman and the world will feel your lack of dedication. If you are tentative, unclear, doubting then you find that they distract you, suck your energy and draw you into endless complications.
HYGEIA How is the feminine expression of sexuality and spirituality different?
DEIDA Whereas for the masculine his purpose in life is dominant, for the feminine, nothing is more important than love. Sex is one place where you discover just how open are your body and heart.
HYGEIA Meaning that as a woman actually makes love, if she closes her body and heart to some degree she is closing down the flow of divine love?
DEIDA Yes. It is easy to practice surrendering as love in the ways you find comfortable. But you should practice flowing with the energy of love that you most resist. If you are comfortable giving tender motherly love but resistant to humping your man like a drunken slut, then you have more to learn in the art of transmitting love and light.
HYGEIA This is truly embodying love, not just feeling the emotions or thinking or talking about it. You are saying that spiritual growth for a woman means, among other things, growing in your capacity to flow energy and love through your body;
DEIDA Yes, you learn to flow with every possible energy, savage and pristine, motherly and witch-like, bitchy and saintly. To love this big, you must be willing to feel every possible emotion… whether you like it or not.
HYGEIA Describe the three stages of masculine feminine relationships.
DEIDA First, my use “of masculine and feminine” refers not to gender but to sexual “essence”. So these principles apply equally to gay, lesbian and all types of intimate relationships. Stage one we could describe as the stereotype macho jerk and submissive housewife. Each is selfishly seeking their own pleasure and fulfillment with little regard for the other and disagreements are dealt with through force and manipulation.
HYGEIA The pain and conflict of stage one move couples to learn how to communicate better; developing listening skills, setting barriers, keeping your word etc.
DEIDA All of which are valuable and necessary. Also as women grow into second stage, they tend to become more decisive and self-directed and men tend to become more sensitive, learn to feel their feelings, explore music, dance, nature. Women enjoy their independence and careers. Men enjoy their capacity to let go and allow things to be without effort. Women become more purposeful and success oriented. Men become more radiant and sensually alive.
HYGEIA So in stage two men and women become more independent by men developing their feminine side and women their masculine. They also become more alike.
DEIDA Exactly. There is not the dramatic attraction and repulsion there was in stage one. Often this may lead to sexual neutralization and spiritual stagnation. Women can become hardened and men can lose their edge. Stage two spiritually oriented people often become stiffened women and spineless men--very efficient and quite safe, but their sexual and spiritual passion screams for satisfaction.
HYGEIA You are describing many of the relationships in Boulder.
DEIDA Correct. One big missing piece in stage two is that occasionally, women want to be ravished by a dangerously loving man of strength and integrity. And men want to be invited into pleasure by a sultry slut with a deep and open heart.
HYGEIA These longings are our very nature and must be fulfilled.
DEIDA Of course. If you suppress the darker, more wicked textures of love, then your sexuality becomes tepid. And the same is true spiritually: unless you can really "do it" with the divine, your spiritual heart begins to starve.
HYGEIA Say more.
DEIDA Without knowing the ever-present edge of death a man can become a sexual and spiritual wimp. The sensitive, stage two man must now grow to risk everything for the sake of love. He realizes that he must discover and live his deepest purpose in life or die a mediocre fizzle. He can no longer tolerate bullshit, his own or his lady’s.
HYGEIA And women?
DEIDA A woman’s heart desires passionate communion more deeply than the competent independence of stage two. If she is honest she’ll admit constant self-protection and self-sufficiency is stressful, boring, and unfulfilling. She must allow and actively invite deep, forceful, blissful penetration--spiritually and sexually. Welcome to stage three.
thank you Deb and Nejah for your responses. I had a long thing going after reading Deb's questions, but lost it before it posted. Of course now days later, whatever I write will show a very different train of thought. At least a very different written response from what ever got lost before it got posted ... Indeed. Who am I. I've asked this a few times of a few friends / employers ... to make sense of the employment / mastery / income arena. I've answered this a few times and felt small and limited; I have amazing gifts ... but to what end? I've answered this a few times and felt enormous gratitude to humility and embarassment, that I've accomplished ... what? I've answered this a few times philosophically: I am here now, alive and well, open ...
I am committed to making a home life with this man in order to raise our boy. I am committed to learning my lessons so that this journey with my husband gives me my best richest life experiences. On better days, I know I am the best damn thing that ever walked into that man's life!
I spent the last 4 years, if not the last 6 years, preparing myself for childcare/education of a particular sort: we have agreed on a dream to turn this riverside 25 acre farmstead where we live into a life work: a living learning center for preschool / elementary / college prep / adult ed for arts / crafts / life skills / conferences / executive training retreats / therapeutic retreats for dining and chatting and making music for organic / biodynamic / permaculture gardening, for wood lot use for a very small animal husbandry: eggs and fowl, sheep for wool and dairy, goats for dairy, a milk cow with annual beef critter a self sustaining working home for my son that engages a community of people to make it work that engages a community of people working together for their own reasons and benefits to make it work that develops and sustains itself long after I and my husband are dead and gone ...
I have tried answering the question to find some replacement for this particular lifework dream I have tried thinking of somewhere else in the world to be, other than here in my son's home, making it his home I have tried thinking of some other reason to go some other place in the world ... but nothing comes back to me.
sure, lots of whim, echoes of earlier experiences: to my mother's home Alaska; to adventurous destinations - say Europe or Greece or tropical islands or west coast ski towns ... skiing! down hill snow skiing! horseback activities! salt water sailing! a nice lakeside home such as the one where I spent my childhood summers sure some vague and fading dream of PhD work sure some avenue to a 'career' that might actually provide my living expenses and student loans and provide for my son
but the specifics? maybe I don't have them because I haven't specified them?
wow this is such a different response tonight.
And then I read Nejah's responses. both the Hopi advisements and the descriptions of the three stages ring true for me ... I know I must find my own leadership within, and I am ready for stage three ... but I have more fear than I ever admit deep dark fears but only when they get me!!!!! ha ha see how unwilling to admit?
and besides. while I like to think I'm all for transparency and openness and honesty I was reticent the other day, when I realized this forum has had unidentified guest readers ... my jealous anger has me wanting to know WHO IS THIS WOMAN beguiling my husband and I want to discredit her! and yet I have NO DESIRE to allow my apparent desire for self expression to occur in ANY circle that she may enter ... so so I see I have a very long way to go before I attain a visceral appreciation for a universal feminine circle of inclusion a long way to go: I want her OUT because she's one of THEM!
Diva, holding you and your child and his father in a medicine basket that what comes together over the next few hours or days will be to the healing and highest good of all.
You and I have had private communication, and I've uttered words that I felt necessary to speak into the situation. You have, as with all medicine, sifted through, and taken what you needed/wanted, and let the rest fall into the river.
So that this Circle my hold you, I post this blessings here.
Let everyone be well, let Love (in it highest vibration) prevail, let everyone see the truth, and have the courage and strength to act within it. Let each one detach from our own ideas of the best outcome, and trust that whatever it looks like and feels like, we are safely nurtured in the arms of Spirit, guided and protected in every moment into our true expression of Self, and Service.
You have my number to call.
Diva Sisters, weave your blessings of light around this sister and her family this weekend.
he was here 2 nights, Dec 3 and 4, because we had the conference with the magistrate to prep for the divorce. He told the magistrate that he wishes to withdraw the divorce, and reconcile, because two parents working together are for the best, for the child.
took 3 trips to get his stuff home, the first trip was a UHaul big enough for everything. word is, Sun and Mon Dec 13, 14, he and she were loading his and hers into the UHaul. They both left on Mon, came back either midnight or Tue am. More loading into the UHaul. He was home Tue the 15th for 3 hours, unloaded stuff and went back to Glosta. Arrived there WITH HER Tue night.
came home on the 22nd. had dinner with me, then he said he was leaving, so I begged him to stay and he told me I was raging AGAIN (I was sobbing crying) and I went to the car/garage was going to go for a ride ... he came after me and told me I can't leave *** alone in the house, and to come back inside and talk. I did. He blocked the door. I was angry. I shoved him, like a two hands to his shoulders I don't know what I said. He freaked out saying THIS IS VIOLENCE and called the sheriff and called my sister and bro-in-law. He went to a hotel, he said. called me at 3am talked for 2 hours.
came home in the AM, stayed for 6 nights. that first night, built a fire in the living room, fell asleep on the sofa, when I woke him to go to bed, he fairly ravaged me. Right on the living room floor. I surely was astonished, but I thought, well, okay ..... during ... I tried to adjust a little ... but he pinned my arms and prevented me, I tried again and he prevented me again and continued his activities ...
the next night, christmas eve, when I was amorous he told me if I persisted, if I were a man, I'd be raping him.
christmas am, very pleasant, gift exchange, then visit with my sister, mom, dad. he took me on a walk to apologize and say that he needs me to know it's not me
then he said he had to leave. didn't even tell ***. I had to call him back to help me get *** to leave.
then a couple days about the house, moving furniture, planning home improvements etc. sharing meals. time with ***.
then my birthday, the 28th. silent treatment. then he was annoyed that I wasn't ready for dinner at a restaurant. so I got ready and we went to dinner. then he left in the am the 29th, told me to find fun things for us to do on new year's eve. said he'd be back in a day or two.
he didn't come home until the 9th. he wouldn't look or talk, we had a neighbor visiting so we had supper, and he left just after our guest left. won't tell me where he is.
tells me if he comes home, it will escalate, someone will be hit and someone will go to jail. just saying that over and over is threatening behavior. I of course keep asking him to come home. yesterday he said, we'll see. maybe.
this morning he told me when he gets the retainer and gives it, I'll be hearing from a new tougher attorney. wants me and *** to get out of the house. says *** is welcome, I am not. What kind of thinking is that? Why would *** feel comfortable, much less 'want' to be anywhere, where I am not welcome?
god this is awful.
and his brother and mother refuse to talk to me. I called with an apology and to clear the air, as in: to speak honestly ... she YELLED at me calling me 'so fucking stupid!' over and over and telling me she doesn't blame her son for not wanting to come home to me and don't ever call her again. His brother told me the same thing. my husband generally never goes home, rarely talks with them ... and doesn't want me talking with them.
the whole thing is just stupid. and mean. vicious. mean. stupid.
is this what it was like for the other three divorces? who does this? I'd like to think he could figure it out, and Not get a FOURTH divorce, and figure it out and act like a husband and father ... wow there's an idea.
so I keep meaning to shut the .... up ... and here I am venting! speaking it. right into existence.
here's what I'm REFRAINING from saying on facebook: salami, cheese and chocolate, with a sip of Rivola Sardon de Duero 2007, by the fire. while my son sleeps soundly, even with good breathing (often a problem). and the cat naps on the sofa behind me. nice. not the same as having my husband home, and sex on the floor by the fire ... but hey. he's having a bad year. but life is good. and he can come home if he wants. but I'm not leavin'