yep. what jumped out at you was exactly my point. which was exactly your point. to ask myself for myself and to answer FOR MYSELF. funny how we're on the same page here. but I'm still struggling and you're not. damn I hope I catch on.
Diva Andrea, hello and yes it is a wild ride. Wild ride. Details. Bodily input. Better my attention there, as Diva Deb has reminded me, not in my head, not in my fears ...
nightmares last night. The last couple of days, I've been imagining: what IF he chooses to come home, what IF he chooses reconciliation. I like to think I hope hope, faith, trust, love ... but I do not. I have hurt and anger. and I've been acting out. Acting out of those, hurt and anger. So the two dreams this morning. In either one, he was himself hurt and angry and chose to leave. And I'm still home, doing laundry, meals, books with my boy, tidy up after child activities ... still wondering what to do for work, where, how still wondering if I can maintain residence and how, and if not where and how still wondering how the hell to act in the best interest of my son except to be here with him still categorically determined that 'the best interest of the child(ren)' does NOT mean divorce
and that is not up to me. god help me. goddess. help. me. I have to quit my 'doing' ... so much of that has brought me to this ...
Post by Diva Mentor Jane on Jan 27, 2010 7:49:11 GMT -8
I am going to echo what Deb has been saying all along........what do YOU want? It still sounds like it's up to him.......
Real change comes when we get very, very quiet and let our thoughts quiet down, when we can rest in Great Spirit knowing that all is well.
All of the questions you have do have answers but they may come from a most unexpected place. We can't hear the answers or see the answers when we are so much in fear.
Hold yourself and your son.........and decide what you want. If reconciliation is what you want, that can't happen without his willing participation. From what I'm reading here, it doesn't sound like at this moment that is what he wants. So in the meantime, reach for a peaceful place for yourself and for your son.
Post by nejahlovediva on Jan 27, 2010 14:45:03 GMT -8
ooohhhh big sigh. it's so simple. I want to be here, so here am I. and it is up to him, whether he files for divorce and sends me packing. it's simply his house, his economic and legal advantage.
What about a new story, comeon use your imagination you can do it. In reality your the writer, director, actors in your story so can't you think of something different.
oooohhh big sigh of relief. it's so simple. I am here, so here am I. and it is up to me, I decide where I want to be in this big, vast beautiful world I could live _________ or __________ or ______________ the lists of places I could live are endless. Where I'm staying iz a house, simply a house. Their are trillions, billions, zillions of houses in the world where I can make my home. I have the skills, talents, abilities and gifts from God to BE, DO or have anything my heart desires when I pay undestractable attention to my source of infinite supply which iz GOD/GODDESS ALL THAT IZ. And this Source iz Always working for my highest and best good. S/HE iz not fickle, does not play games and does not manipulate.
So what I'm trying to say my Sista iz that you don't wear victim consciousness well at all. We all see your golden light of beauty, power, grace, intelligence, strength, softness and creativity. No one said you haveto do it alone either. Make a list of all your friends, businesses you partronize and have friendly relations with and start putting the word out. You'll be surprised at how many willing angels who will want to assist you in one way of another. You are an empowered Being and darn it, its time to start owing it or not! Of course the choice iz ALWAYS yours cuz you got it like that!
Post by nejahlovediva on Jan 28, 2010 19:01:11 GMT -8
Today it hit me, that what we say to others we are also saying to ourselves. Over and over I have been hearing the voice, you don't wear victim consciousness well at all. I asked myself, where am I playing the victim in my life. I immediately identified and traced these various thought forms and beliefs and decided Oh! no I don't wear thiz well at all. Time to upgrade my outfits from oversized, faded, moth eaten thoughts to simmering golden custom made figure loving appreciation thoughts. Thiz I wear well!!!!! Their waz such a liberating feeling that came over me. A surge of energy imploded the thought forms that were dragging me down and zapping my energy away. A confidence and self-assuredned eveloped my being. The monkey waz off my back, no playing small just to fit in with the other prisoners. No more blaming myself or others, its like walking around with boulders in my shoe all day. Time to take responsbility for all of me and all of my choices. You only get what you allow or accept from others. My power always iz within my larger expanded SELF not with other peoples opinions or thoughts about me. From time to time I used to in a weaker form ask why me? Why izn't so and so different? Why am I not different? What's wrong with my.......? Why izn't this changing? Poor me that waz the vibration, but I've decided no more poor me. Time to appreciate and look for the good things happening in my life? Look how I am divinely supported? Yes, time to give thanks for all the good in my life, hell just having a life! I have never really been poor except when I waz victimizing myself. But the truth iz I am rich beyond measure. Thiz iz the truth of my real self and Yes I'll say it again and again, Damn I'm wearing this beautiful life of mines Well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Diva Nejah yes thank you ... time to dump the old tired worn out and sing the praises of what is so amazing and wonderful and works! damn. I can say I want a miracle like I ain't got one comin' or I can say look at this, and that, and here and it's all miracle ... and thanks be. I can't be wearin victim well cuz I gotta son who's gonna follow me ...
so it's been 18 days of no contact. I've had thoughts of: maybe he's willing for reconciliation I've had thoughts of all the shit he's done I've had thoughts of joy and delight and gratitude for this home on the farm on the river with my boy I've had thoughts of satisfaction in the work and play I've had with this boy and he's well I've had thoughts of omg wtf I've remembered many friends and confidants ... they've each said good riddance! I've remembered many good things about the man
I don't know what to do so I've been painting the walls. I painted the dining room bright deep burgundy. The study is 'smoky ash' but it's green grey grey green. I painted the sitting room some dusty smoky purple called 'cabernet' Tomorrow the living room gets a richer deeper shade of green.
Monday is a court hearing. My lawyer wants the protection order, the divorce, the whole nasty separation thing.
but now, my boy who whiled away the afternoon while I painted the sitting room some kind of purple my boy who has had a chips and salami supper my boy who has lit the living room hearth my boy is now calling for bedtime
tomorrow is painting tomorrow is listening to an a capella group sing tomorrow is the day before I see that man again, in the court room
but now I an enjoying the evening with my son and tomorrow is another day
Karen, it is always a miracle when a woman regains her center, heart, womb, power after life with an abusive partner.
You are the miracle. You are allowing the miracle now for yourself and for your son. The first of many miraculous openings that you cannot see yet, because we have to walk up to the gates
sometimes the door stands before us for a while, before we are able to see it with our heart and soul eyes.
Remember that other miracle you desire, the one where he changes to become the person you wish he was... that miracle is not within your power. The Universal law of liberty makes it so: We cannot change another person. It's the law. Waiting and hoping it will happen is also one definition of hell.
You are a miracle. How can I support you these next few days?